Wednesday, February 24, 2010

I could give two shits about your birthday!

So, it's my exes birthday and he called me. Following is the transcription of the conversation
Him: Hey, it's my birthday
me: uh huh
Him: Aren't you going to say happy birthday?
me: Um, yeah, Fuck you and Congratulations on being 41 and living with your parents, Fucktard.
Him: Silence

Ahhh, it's these things that make my life right.
Yes people, I'm working on the other gals-I mean whores

Friday, February 12, 2010

Oh yes she did

This is the actual transcript of a real life text conversation a few weeks ago between me and ghettobarbie:

GB: I'm fixin to go drunk walking. day has been full retard. every member of my family has pissed me off and there is no more wine in the house!

Me: Oh honey, I am convinced that the only way to get through my life is to become an alcoholic

GB: It's at the point the guy at 7-11 is starting to look at me all judgmental, and I'm like............what???

ME: Maybe you shouldn't be flashing him your boobs for free wine

GB: Well there is that. Good thing I live near the trailer park. They get me, they don't judge

ME: Oh sure they do, they call you high falootin because your house doesn't have wheels

GB: Yeah, bigots!

GB: I'm not apple or pear shaped I think I'm more like an avocado

Me: I think I'm more eggplant, without that flower thing on top

GB: But I feel more like a jalepeno........slightly bent. Oh seriously? That's not good.

Me: What's wrong with eggplant shape? Bent like drunk? Or bent like hunched over?

GB: Nothing, but don't you have to have that thing on top? What the hell is that?

ME: You have to remember that I have not been drinking so it takes me longer to catch up.

GB: Um, like something might be broken

ME: And there are no rules. I laugh in the face of eggplants without things on top. Eff 'em.

GB: Oh drunk testing is safe unless it's trash day.....fuck.......just ran into the trash cans

ME: They're plastic and you have children. Just put a sign on them that says the kids did it.

GB: Neighbor said hi but in a pathetic/I feel sorry for you way, not a wow you're hawt way..............bastard

Me: Ever heard of a sympathy fuck? Oh and I'm totally saving this conversation for our blog.

GB: No, and I need to pee and I'm looking for a big enough bush. If I fart, sneeze, or cough right now, it's all over.

Me: Well Hmm, open the two car doors and pee in the driveway. The rain will wash it away. Unless of course the car is in the garage. Sirworksalot may get pissed off.

GB: He won't know.

Me: Again.....Blame it on the kids.

GB: AHHHH, found a new home under construction..........peed in the back yard. It's all good!

And the answer is, yes, she's always that funny, I have no life and all of us crack each other up.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Thing 1 and 2...

okay having talked trash about Thing 3 guess i should also mention that Thing 2(the pretty one) is currently up in his room not speaking to me because he thought as long as he made up the three zeros today he had in Algebra i would still allow him to attend a girls soccer game tonight.....Bwahhahhhaaaaa! Whatever......he's so pretty but Thing 2 doesn't have big boobs like me so he has to focus harder on his grades.....

(clears throat)....and then there's Thing 1 (aka the crazy train).......the words escape me.....
i will just say since he has graduated I see him less and less.....i did get a random call from him today asking me where the nearest Griffs Hamburgers is......sigh.....

Thing 3

OMG! Thing 3(aka princess stepson) has gotten in trouble for the umpteenth time at school. Teacher called today for the umpteenth time fed up cuz thing 3 told her he would act even worse if she dared to send him to the office and when she told him to sit in the chair next to her desk he went and sit in HERS! Okay seriously if that was Thing 2 or Thing 3 somebody would be calling the LAW cuz i would be beating serious ass! Sirworksalot is in there talking to him about what he is feeling and if he feels his personal space is being compromised....WTF??? Seriously???

The last time this teacher tried to send him to the office the child refused to go and they had to bring someone up from the office to drag his stubborn ass down......if i had my say he would still be walking sideways from me beating his ass over that!

This is why grown people smoke weed....i'm convinced of it.