Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Please please stab me

So I have one of those teenagers...... He's a really good kid, honest! So why do I have the desire to drive him somewhere, push him out of a moving vehicle, and punch the accelerator?

I remember being a teenager. I remember how badly I hated my parents almost 24/7. I remember feeling like nobody really understood me or what I was going through. (a little self centered I suppose). I remember how hard it was just being a teenager. But that's mostly because my family was/is CRAZY! I don't mean the funny haha crazy, I mean the certifiable, loony bin, batshit, kind of crazy.

Fortunately my teenmonster doesn't really have that excuse. Ok, so I'm slightly crazy, but I have convinced myself that it's the charming, isn't she cute kind of crazy. The hubster says he's glad he got the 80% sane one of my family. I'm thinking I'm more like 81.5% but who's counting?

Anywhore, that teenmonster: could give a shit less about anything except: xbox, myspace, and cell phone. He's failing 4 classes-including Art! Yes, fucking Art! How in the hell can you fail Art, you ask? Don't turn in shit, that's how.

I don't know how long I can do this. I can certainly drop him off at your house anytime.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

The cable has got to go,, For Reelz

So, I was informed by my neighbor, whose 15 year old daughter is acne ridden and obese, that my precious angel said to the daughter "You really need to go one a diet and use Procativ". Strike one for the cable commercials.
Then my 11 year old tells me,"Mom, I need Extenze, i will help me with my endurance in baseball"! Although proud he new what endurance meant, not excited about the message he got.

Fucking cable commercials on Disney and Nick are killing me. Why are the promoting this shit on these channels???


Monday, March 8, 2010

Planes, crazies, and women with bad tits

So this weekend was quite eventful for me. I don't normally have a social life, but surprisingly this weekend, I left Collin County on multiple occasions. Saturday the kids wanted to go to grandmas and spend the night. Great, me and the hubster get to practice what it will be like when they get the hell out of my house! So I drop them off like yesterdays trash and race home to an empty house. Hubster is working, so it's me, the dog and the dead fish. Heaven! So I do what any woman would do with a house to herself......I clean. Yep , I am a beast bitches. I crank up the radio and go to town on my pigsty. That shit is clean now-haven't made it to my closet yet, that will require a fork lift , bulldozer and other heavy machinery that I don't have right now.

So I decide that me and hubster should actually leave the house. To the North Texas Irish festival we go...alcohol and shopping??? How can anything be made more for me than that? And for hubster? I can get him to do anything for beer.

So we get there and he immediately starts looking for the beer stand, as if they're in short supply. Well guess what? Any Dick, Hairy, and Douche can walk around with a beer in their hand , but the liquor drinkers have to stand in a little roped off area because everyone knows beer drinkers are all nice, responsible drinkers unlike the hellion liquor drinkers.

If you have ever been to any type of Renaissance festival, you'll know what I'm referencing here next. Holy terrible tits Batman! Please explain why the only people who dress up in these time period costumes are people who should wear burkas? I mean really ladies, I'm all for showing off the girls, but only if they're pretty, ok? I am absolutely able to admire someones nice rack, and can even say to hubster, check out the rack on her. But people, if I tell you we saw the worst racks ever displayed, I am telling the truth!! Just because they're big, doesn't mean we want to see them. If you have a shelf bra, but your tits flatten into pancakes, we don't want to see them. If you have a US map of stretch marks across your chest, put those awful things up! Oh and I know you may think men want to see them. Maybe your man does, but guess what? He has to say that! Those are the only ones he gets! This concludes my public service announcement about breasts:-)

While we are there, hubster comments on some mens rings for sale. I say no way no how, you'll just lose it. (he has lost three wedding rings and I refuse to buy more). So I say, you should get a ring tattooed instead, which he thinks is a great idea. He then says "and if we get divorced, it's not a big deal.". What did that motherfucker just say to me??? He says " you know what I mean.". Me: "I have no idea what you mean". Him: " well the divorce would be bad but the tattoo would be no big deal.". Me: "oh, but the band will have my name on it so you and the white trash slut you bang will have to see my name on your finger!".

So Sunday, we decide to go to the kids museum with my mom, my little guy, my neice, nephew, and last but least, psycho woman of the south, my sister....she is my crazy stick. When people tell me someones crazy, I ask "Are they as crazy as my sister?". Anyfuck, she starts screaming at her son because he's not listening. I say "chill, he's a kid, they never do" aaaaand, the crazy meter exploded. This chick had a full meltdown. She actually accused me of thinking I'm perfect! Batshit crazy this girl is! So I told her to quit being so dramatic and got in the car and left. On the way home, my little one says "mom, what's druh-mad-ick?". I told him it was something my sister does. I get home and tell hubster about it and he says "I'm glad I married the 80% sane one.". WTF??? 80% is all I get?

And today I am off to the armpit of America. Nope, not Los Angeles, Tulsa. And because I'm a genius, and queen of lost, I use my map feature to tell me how to get to the airport (that I've been to at least 15 times!). This piece of shit takes me all the way around the airport, I am running late as usual , and can see the terminal but can't fucking get to it. Douche wrappers, I hate travelin'. I should really not be allowed to leave Collin County, like evah!

So because I'm a moron and forget to check in last night on my Southwest cattle call, I am so far at the end, I can't see the gate. I get in finally and of course I'm in the middle of the aisle with a guy that has old man breath. Why do I have to put a mint in my mouth? To stop from barfing from the smell!!!! I do love the people watching and making up stories about the people and where they're going. These two guys at the end of my row at the gate? They are OSU college students who have been kicked out of college for hazing and are going home to tell they're bible thumping parents that they had anal sex with each other, but it was an accident.

I do live the wild life, peace out beyotches!